She must be one of the Wonders...

 Feeling very emotional today. I'm sure it has a lot to do with Emily's upcoming college move in date fast approaching. I'm full of mixed emotions, not just because it would be a big deal no matter what, but because it's happening during a pandemic & all the other worries as well. Just of how fast the time has gone too. Emily's childhood is over & she's entering another chapter of her life, it's making me think of it all. How it started always comes to mind, how couldn't it? It was such a dramatic time in all of our lives. It got me thinking about the song "Wonder" by Natalie Merchant. This song means so much to our little family of 3. It's very special to us. When Emily was born so tiny & frail & all during the six months that followed afterward at Children's Hospital. The song just gave us hope for Emily. We thought my God, she's a wonder, she's our wonder. Emily was a micro preemie weighing only 14 ounces. Right after she was born she actually lost a little weight & got down to like 13 ounces. She had so many ups & downs in the hospital, but today for some reason or another I'm thinking about one time in particular when she got a really bad infection, so bad that these doctors from the CDC had to come to the hospital to see Emily & give I guess their opinions on what should be done for her to fight the infection. She was so tiny, her immune system didn't work very well and even as careful as we all tried to be, it was impossible to keep all the germs away in a hospital so she developed a really bad infection. It was the scariest time of all the scary times. But we felt some comfort knowing these CDC doctors were there to try & help. We referred to them back then as the, "Men in Black" because they didn't look like doctors, they almost looked like the characters from the Men in Black movie. All in suits. Anyway the first line of Natalie Merchant's song Wonder is, "Doctors have come from distant cities just to see me..." ... ever since then when ever I hear that song, it makes me immediately tear up & think of that time so long ago. I watch a lot of news as well & if you follow me on any social media, you know I'm not a fan of Trump. There's been a lot of news about Trump not accepting the CDC's recommendations & now apparently he wants the Covid19 data coming to the White House instead of going through the CDC so that might be another reason to be thinking too much of that time long ago. It makes me wonder if some parents (Trump supporters) today, would feel the same comfort in the CDC being there as we did back then. We thought well the experts are here, if someone is going to help her, it'll be them... but Trump is treating them like the enemies instead of the "experts". Which is just really sad & scary. But... anyway... when I step back & think about further down the line of Emily's childhood, I mostly think of all the happy moments, proud moments... once she left the hospital she never went back. Sure she had her fair of childhood colds & such but she handled all of them well. More importantly she is a bright & happy person. She makes me incredibly proud. She's still tiny though, at 19 she is only 4' 8" & I can't help and still worry about her, especially when I'm trying hard to let her go & to spread her wings at college. Like she's always dreamed of doing. BUT... I'm a mom... & the worrying doesn't end.

White Silence by Melissa Williams 6/23/2020

 For too long now... 

Black injustice, with violence & protest 

filling their lives with stresses

 Yet not a word.... white silence. 

For too long now. 

Saw the headlines, turned a blindeye 

Didn't affect I, so gave a quiet sigh. 

Stood still in my own white silence 

For too long now

Didn't understand the outrage 

seen thru my white privilege gauge 

Always the problem white silence

For too long now 

Anger should have been mine as well 

Long past my time to empathize & yell 

Fight through my own white silence 

For too long now...

Trying not to engage, stirring the pot 

While innocent people of color got shot

Enough of my white silence. 

Enough. 

#BlackLivesMatter 

UGH!

So yesterday I was reading an article where a healthcare worker who had been doing everything right, Social distancing & wearing a mask...& hadn't gotten Covid 19... decided to go out w/ a group of like 20 friends to have a good time at a re-opened bar in Florida... & didn't wear a mask or social distance... now her & like 16 of her friends & 7 of the bar employees have tested positive. Which has me thinking... I'd hate to be living in Tulsa after Trump is set to have an INSIDE rally WITHOUT requiring mask & with 20,000 of his supporters. I mean that's just fucking CRAZY! I mean I won't feel bad for the bat shit crazies who attend the rally & then get sick, but imagine how many of those attending might then infect w/ the virus. INNOCENT people who didn't make the decision to go... This is our president's decision! This is his thought process. This is his choice, & it's not a safe one, a good one, a fair one & compassionate one. It's another poor choice. How many lies, wrong decisions, how many ignorant comments, racist comments, does the American voters need to see from tRump, before they say enough! I mean for me it was before he was elected. BUT... if you didn't see it then, please tell me you have seen it now. BTW... Tulsa has actually had a decrease in testing & still the last few days of surging of positive cases. #voteBLUE i beg you! You can vote red the rest of your days... but we have to remove this man from office this time!!

One "proud" mama.

My 19 year old daughter Emily will start college in the fall.  SOOOOO PROUD of her!!! She's going to a private university in NJ.  This year was her gap year, & while we hoped she'd gain some experiences this year.  Due to Covid, it's not happened.   Because of Emily's premature birth & effects of it, she is a bit more immune compromised than the average kid SO she's been stuck in the house for the most part.  SO that's been a bummer.  We'd feel a lot more comfortable if she had some more experiences before college.  But it is what it is.   It's only been about a week that we've really known for sure that she'd be attending, she got accepted a while ago, but you see,  it's an expensive school and even though we felt like it was the "right" school for Emily, we weren't sure we could swing it.  Thankfully she did awesome in high school academically, & thankfully between her SAT score & GPA she did secure a good partial merit scholarship... but it's still a long way from paid.  Brian nor I have the greatest credit scores & since Emily hasn't worked yet (she's only done some intermittent volunteering work) she would not be able to secure a loan herself, we were a little scared we would not be approved for the necessary loan BUT we have been! It's only for the first year, but still... it does relieve that stress.  At least until we have to pay it back, but we are trying hard to get our finances in better shape & have been for nearly 2 decades.  Many things happened beyond our controls back in the late 90's-early 2000's & again a few years ago, which added to our debt & some mistakes on our end as well. We are trying hard to make things better.   BUT we have been trying our hardest to figure out a way to pay for it, one way or another, so that part was a big relieve because we were trying everything in our power to give our daughter this opportunity.  We just hope we've done everything in our power to prepare her, she's wanted to be a writer, her whole life.... in fact, I want to share something with all of you...

(I'll insert pic soon-it's on my phone & I don't have the right cord)

That was a report card from when Emily was 7.  She has had a talent for writing since she was very young & I've never known Emily to want to really do anything else in her life.  That is why she choose the university she did.  It has the #1 creative writing program in our state.   It's also small, & offers programs for students with a variety of disabilities.  It was all those things & more that lead us to think this school was the best option for Emily.  Of course I still have a ton of concerns about her going.  Some are obvious but some are just me, & my general worrying ways.  Emily is very much excited to go!  That really goes a long way to make me feel more comfortable about this choice. She & my husband/I have had a ton of discussions about what college will be like, & self care & the like.  We've tried & are still teaching her things we feel like she'll need to do/know before entering college but it's getting sooooo real & it's getting so close, & that makes me hope we gave her all the necessary skills needed to live on her own. She's our only child so she's not used to the idea of sharing a room or anything like that.  Or being around that many people in general. She struggles making friend's with people her own age.  However over the last year & 1/2 has even made great strides with that.  Developing a friendship with someone all on her own.... this might not seem like a great accomplishment for other teenagers but when as a parent you've done most of the driving of any kind of friendships between your child & others & still they are mostly superficial & not real deep friendships, it's been a real break through and I"m almost as proud of that as anything else she's accomplished in her life.  Another concern to us is that like I mentioned already, we thought that taking the gap year would provide her with a bunch of experiences...thanks to Covid-19 not so much but hopefully with the summer months ahead, she can perhaps start doing more.  Most things have been closed so with the possible re-opening up of places,  maybe a bit more opportunities will present themselves for her.  As long as it's safe of course.  Overall,   I'm extremely proud & excited for Emily to enter this next chapter of her life.  Soon.. I get to proudly share that my kid is in college! WOW... what an accomplishment for our lil' former miracle micro-preemie. 💓

The world continues to provide it's own trauma, aside from Covid...  About 2 weeks ago, a black man name George Floyd was CLEARLY murdered by a police officer & 3 other officers allowed & participated in their own right while witnesses pleaded for them to stop,it was all caught on camera...again. Thank goodness for the camera.   It was beyond awful to watch that video, but because of it, so much has happened & it has awakened people of all nationalities to stand up for him/& other people of color & fight racist police brutality and get behind the #BlackLiveMatters movement.   We've had about 2 weeks of non-stop protesting in major cities & small alike all across our country & while it should not have taken another black man's murder to awaken this,  it is in many ways a beautiful thing to witness & be a part of.  While I've always felt lucky to have grown up in the family I did & been blessed to be surrounded by a family which is diverse & loving, I feel I still have a lot of learning to do myself.  We need to all be more aware & take actions to become "Anti-racist" as opposed to just not racist.  Our family as a start, have listened,  read articles, ordered books about being Anti-racist, supported black owned businesses, causes,  among other things.  While we've wanted to be involved in one of the many protest, we have not had the chance yet.  I'm still working & Brian too & with Covid 19 it still feels a bit unsafe.   I'm very proud of my fellow humans for doing what they are though & trust me when I say we're there with them all in spirit.  We have to change the world for the better, we have to love one another & just fight injustices when we see them.  We all have to try in what ever ways we can to be better.  I'm starting with me & my family.  I hope you are also.  Voting for people who will support the right legislating is a crucial start.  If you are reading this... God bless you & your family at this most critical of times. As a nation, we have to believe ... We Got This!