A winkin', blinkin' and a Nod memory

When I was a little girl.  My grandmother & at times my mom would sing a lullaby called, Winkin  Blinkin & Nod.  It popped in my head tonight, I think because I'm really missing my mom.  I feel like she calmed me down the best when I was sad, or upset, or angry or whatever. Tonight,    I'm worried.  I want someone to hold me & tell me, "It's going to be OK"  So tonight I found the lullaby on  YouTube & every version I found was faster than the way I remember it being sung to me.  I wonder if they made up their own melody or if it was a version they heard before.  But I sing it, the way I remember them singing it to me.  I kind of like that I can't find a version of the way they sang it, like it was special just for me.  & also... that I'm reaching the age... that I can't remember why I came into a certain room BUT that I can clear as day remember how I was sung to when I was just a wee little girl & the feeling I got from it still. 

Here's the pic proof

Accepted Part III

...So we call the bookstore to see if they can help us.  We explain that our daughter's dream is to meet Geddy Lee, & we bought the book & are planning on being at the signing of course, BUT we also told them about the winter concert and then we did something we NEVER do.  We pulled the "special needs" card.  The truth is Emily does have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) & she would be more impatient than other children waiting in that long line to meet Geddy and be uncomfortable with the crowd noise but we would normally just have her deal with it.  BUT we were desperate, Emily would fail her class IF she wasn't one of the first in line so we explained that our daughter has ASD & the bookstore without hesitation said NO PROBLEM.  We will do our very best to get her in as soon as we can, & we will have chairs in the store for the kids/people with special needs just show your receipt for the book & come into the store, and explain that you talked to me when you get here.  OK Great!  Kudos to BookEnds in Ridgewood NJ! Class Act business. We still would have to have the timing perfect but this would give us a small window.  The truth is we would have to be one of the very first in line, hit no traffic, find the place (we'd never been before) find parking, etc all without anything else unexpected happening & still have to break the law speeding home or else this wasn't going to happen like we'd want.  Either way,  Emily's dream of meeting Geddy Lee would happen BUT she'd also miss her concert & fail her class.  So the idea of a NON-STRESSED meeting of Geddy Lee wasn't going to happen.  This would be high stress BUT in our minds still TOTALLY WORTH IT!  OK... That just left many days of worrisome wondering if we could really pull this off? So when Dec 18th rolled around, we were all full of excitement mixed with a little nervousness too.  As much as we believe the more important in the grand scheme of things was fulfilling a life long dream of Emily's to meet Geddy Lee, it was kind of a big deal for her not to fail her class.  You see she had just been accepted into the NHS, after missing it last year so it would not have been cool if the first marking period she was already suspended for not achieving the necessary academic requirements.  SO as much as meeting Geddy was EPIC, her grades are SUPER important as well, anyway...... We got up & decided we would pick Emily up from school at like 1:30 or so and head down a little early just in case we could meet him a little early.  We drive down, it takes around 2 hours.  After exactly 2 hours we are in Ridgewood and we start looking for parking & realize that a grocery store parking lot is just a few short streets away, we decide to park there. Emily has to change clothes in the car.  Our incredibly small Mini-Cooper, since we left from her school we didn't have time to do it beforehand.  I'm the lookout & am holding up something to cover the window up this way no one sees her.  Emily looks cute, wearing a shiny sparkly short black dress (She has to wear Black & white formal clothes to the winter concert) on the bottom & a RUSH T-shirt on the top.   So I like to say she was rocker on top & fancy on the bottom.  Brian goes in and buys Paper towels so we aren't just using the grocery store & were actually customers.  He buys a big pack of paper towels.  I guess forgetting how small the car is...lol. We haven't had it that long. ( That goes back to the post "Accepted Part I, and our bad luck but sorry I got off track) Back to the story at hand...  Em's pretty tiny so it's ok.  The tiny backseat can hold her & the paper towels but just barely.  We start walking the couple of blocks to the bookstore & see all these people, two ladies ask us if we are going to see Geddy, we share that our daughter is a HUGE RUSH fan, & it's her, who's actually meeting him.   They think it's cool.  It really is, in all fairness to my husband he is a huge RUSH fan as well, but Emily has even surpassed him in her LOVE of them.  I'm a fan now too, but that's mostly because of Emily.  They are so good, I just wasn't into them growing up, I listened to what my mom did COUNTRY & what was popular on MTV-being an 80s girl. A part of me likes that my cool daughter got me into them.  lol  While walking we also notice how LLLLLOOOONNNNNNGGGG the line is of people waiting, oh shit & here we are thinking we did good coming so early.  Ummm... we apparently weren't the only ones with that idea,  As it turns out Brian & I were both thinking the same thing, I hope they remembered telling us Emily could be one of the first in line. PLEASE.  We get into the bookstore, show them our E-Receipt from Brian's phone. & get the book.  We remind them that we had called, told them the story again & they said.. "oh Okay... you can sit on one of the plastic chairs that are lined up around the walls of the store." Brian & Em go sit down.  The email from the bookstore mentioned something about the fact that only people that BOUGHT books could be in the bookstore, I'm praying they don't ask me to leave.  At this point I just am trying to stay out of the way & wish there was a way to blend into the walls so that I can stay and see Emily fulfill her wish & her bday present.  I have my phone ready & so badly want to take a pic!!! SO it's only about 3:30-3:45 at this point & I decide to go get a cup of coffee, there's a Starbucks nearby.   It was a pretty cold day so I get Emily a hot chocolate too. Like I said, I don't want them kicking me out of the bookstore & am trying to not be in the way so it was an excuse to escape that feeling for a few minutes.  I get back & drink my coffee in the cold outside & feel incredibly bad & guilty for all the people in the snake like line that fills what seems at the time to fill an entire parking lot next to the strip mall that the bookstore is part of, The line is so massive.  I wish we'd had taken a pic but we didn't have time to do it.  Brian is sitting next to Emily in the store & I'm kinda just standing around hoping it all goes well.  At exactly 5 pm, we hear someone say something like he's in the building.  The main part of the signing I think will be downstairs but the people who are to meet him first are in the main part of the store.  Then he comes out, he's sitting down & next to him is a security officer, and next to him is I think the owner/manager of the bookstore.  I'm not sure if Geddy was just overwhelmed because it was the beginning of it, and he didn't know what to expect or if he was just grumpy but the bookstore had the event run like a well oiled machine & there were about 5 people in line before Emily.  I'm watching, Geddy isn't inter-acting alot with the people.  They are just going up there & he's signing their books. Not shaking hands, not really talking, maybe a hello.  I'm getting nervous.  We warned Emily in the car that he wouldn't have a whole lot of time, & if she wanted to say anything to him to do it quick, & Emily had been practicing the entire ride down what she was going to say.  You see not only is Emily OBSESSED with their music but she is into musicals & also is an aspiring writer herself.  She has written a musical w/ RUSH's Music in it.  She wanted to share all of that with him,  it wasn't looking like that would be the case so none of us had a clue how this would go.   As Emily approaches Geddy, she has the most enormous SMILE on her face, she's giddy with EXCITEMENT over meeting GEDDY.  Sooooo by the time it's her turn she says in the fastest way possible something like... "I'M A HUGE FAN, I KNOW LIKE 25 SONGS OF YOURS BY HEART. I LOVE RUSH, IVE WRITTEN A MUSICAL WITH YOUR MUSIC IM SO EXCITED TO MEET YOU!!!!!" The whole time she has her hand out to shake his. THEN.... IT HAPPENS... HE MELTS... a huge smile comes across his face & he SHOOK her hand!  The entire interaction lasted maybe 30 seconds BUT she was SOOOOO HAPPY!!! For my part I'm trying my hardest to take it all in, I managed to sneak my way up & I got to see the whole thing,  I'm just taking shots with my phone & hoping for the best.  I felt like I was shaking and doubted that I even got one shot BUT still.... Anyway, when Emily turns around toward me I just break down, I'm kind of sensitive in general but it's not every day you get to see your daughter fulfill a dream come true, so I have a tears running down my face.  Em smiles at me, she is always telling me I cry over everything & it's true, but in some weird way I think she likes it too.  So she says something like, "You're crying?" & I'm like yeah HAPPY TEARS! She smiles at me.  Brian is smiling too. It was really fast but we are happy that it went so well, that it's so far working out...

Accepted (Part II)

With Emily's college decision reached and us being satisfied that we investigated and gave it our all to find the best university for Emily.  That FDU has the small class sizes & resources that will give Emily what it is she needs in order to be a success as a person, not to mention the chance to become what she's always wanted to be, a writer.   We can live with that, I'm not sure if she had taken the easier route of Community college, we would have been as hopeful for her future.  I think at a community college she could have become a #. We are hoping she'll be "accepted" at FDU for who she is, especially in her chosen major,  a community of like-minded writer types who will hopefully come to have Emily's back as a member of the same tribe.  What an amazing thing it would be for our daughter to be INCLUDED by others for who she absolutely is.   That's all I've ever wanted.  It's important that I share the next tidbit with you because it's one of those moments that feels like it never happens.  We often tease in our house that if it wasn't for bad luck, we'd have no luck at all.  Just the other day for instance after paying over $3000 to get our car fixed that we would have for one day & get a flat tire, which ends up costing us over $100 to get fixed?  Why? Well simply put it seems...  because that's our luck. I could give another 50 stories fairly easily with similar tales but why bother depressing myself like that. the next story is mostly an exception to the rule. It involves Emily's birthday gift, it seems sometimes that we get Emily "fine" presents, but it had been a while since we had blown her sock off with one.  Well... this year we all but knew we had a real winner of a present. You see one day Brian was on twitter and Emily had retweeted about a book signing that Geddy Lee was doing at a bookstore in North Jersey.  Anyway..... Brian saw it & was like WOW... he picks me up at my store after work and I'm like... WOAH, we gotta do it!! This is perfect.  Now in case you're reading this and are not really sure who Geddy Lee is?  Well.. he's the lead singer of RUSH.  If you know anything about RUSH then you are aware RUSH no longer performs.  So... this was HUGE!! It was a ONE day only kind of thing, a once in a lifetime opportunity I mean this is a Canadian band who no longer tours, when would she ever get this chance again. SO WE JUMPED on it, we ordered it right there in the car in the parking lot of my store.  For the next couple of days, Brian & I were on a high... knowing that we nailed this birthday present.  The only even lil' hiccup was that Emily would have to wait almost a month to meet him BUT that would just make it that much more special... SOUNDS good BUT then one night in the middle of the night, I woke up in a panic?  It dawns on me that the WINTER Concert is sometime in the middle of December, but it couldn't be the same day could it?  Can you feel the bad luck a comin'?  YUP, you guessed it, it was the exact day as her winter concert.  Now missing out on the concert would have been a bummer BUT it was clear as days to us that meeting Geddy far outweighed missing the winter concert. When her birthday rolls around this was her reaction:

So she was going to see Geddy Lee, no ifs ands or buts about it. BUT... i know I said no BUTS but after Emily tells the teacher about getting the chance to meet Geddy Lee, the teacher informs her that if she misses the winter concert, she'll all but fail her class because you see the winter concert is basically the grade for the class for that semester.   Brian called to plead with the teacher, only to be told well I wish there was something I could do BUT... it is what it is, I wouldn't be fair... blah blah blah.  We in theory agree with the teacher but come on... this is Emily's idol, this is RUSH, this is Geddy!! The teacher gives an inch well if Emily can get to the concert before the 2nd half when her "choir concert" plays she'll won't penalize her.  OK so when is that?   Well it should be around 7:00.  But the signing is at 5:30 IN North Jersey a good two hrs away.  HOW?  Is this going to be possible?  HOW? But one way or another Emily was seeing Geddy Lee!!! We had made up our minds, at all cost... Emily was going to meet GEDDY LEE!

Accepted (Part I)

I feel like every new post I write ... "It's been a while" and this one is no different.  I haven't really posted on here in a while, mostly the post I've done lately have just been a copy & pasting of stuff from my facebook page.  But this is a true and true blog post.... lol.  I have so many feelings this year at this moment, in it being Emily's senior year and all.  Went fast... faster than I could have ever imagined.  Yet here it is and she's 18 & about to graduate.  So much is going on... Emily's in her school spring musical again this year,  It's called, "The Drowsy Chaperone" & there's been some drama with it this year. Mostly just differences because they have a new director and it feels different than past years but hopefully, all will be okay when it runs next week.  Each year there is usually a fundraiser & a spaghetti dinner but none of that this year.   Maybe it's because they've always done a Disney production & the play cost more to put on.  Paying Copyright and all, I guess.  What do I know?  This year her senior year I've wanted to just cherish every little moment and I've been working so much, that it's been really hard to do.  I feel a bit stunned it's already March. Like What? How? But... what are you going to do?  It's here.

Anyway... a lot of cool things have happened this year and writing them down on here will remind me perhaps that our family has had a great year thus far.  In October we visited Fairleigh Dickinson University & Em really REALLY liked it there.  It's a small school near NYC.  It has a really great Creative Writing program and that being what Emily wants to do, has always wanted to do, it was one of the first things that attracted her/us to the school.  In fact, it's #1 in our state.  We've visited two other times, one for "Instant Decision" day... she got ACCEPTED & with a $27,000 a year scholarship, a total of $108,000 if she maintains a 3.0 GPA or higher! We are so proud.   The "official" letter came in February.   The 3rd visit was on March 2nd for a Creative writing workshop.  It was like an explore your major day.  So freshmen who already were aware of what they would be majoring in, could meet some of their professors, for Emily's group, they had to bring in an original one-page fiction short story, or poem and share it with others and get feedback from it in a group setting. They shared the stories with each other. Very cool.  Now, all that sounds great,  except the visit on March 2nd seemed so unorganized. The other two visits were good but this one was a tad chaotic.   We actually arrived on time but when we got to the security gate they told us the wrong information as for where it was taking place & then it took like 45 minutes and two other wrong places before she finally got to the right location of the workshop.  So she missed a few people reading their stories/poems. Em has been working on a novel called, "Forget 55" which is about, believe it or not "Birds" in a post-apocalyptic time period, so she shared a page from that.   While she was in the workshop,  we were planning on driving around to see the surrounding areas around the university but because of the delay decided to just wait on the campus. Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't just three visits and we were like this is it!  The idea of Emily going to college is terrifying.  Is she ready?  She still has a lot to learn. BUT I imagine in many ways that will be where she'll learn it.  BUT.... we wondered and wondered and wondered what the right thing to do would be.  We knew that Emily was smart enough to attend school but still worried if she was capable of handling the other aspects of being away from home.  With Emily's Autism Spectrum Diagnosis it's a bigger deal for Emily than it might be for another college freshman.   Up until we discovered Fairleigh Dickinson, we really thought that a community college was probably where she would be attending,  but seeing the school and the campus, it really felt "right".  The classes are probably smaller than her HS classes.  The students were so super nice, the staff & everyone.  It became an even clearer choice when she received such a high merit scholarship.  Without it, it would have been out of the financial question,  it's an expensive private college and we wouldn't have wanted to have Emily leave school with that much debt, especially considering she could possibly attend a community college for free under a state scholarship program.  SO... Fairleigh Dickinson became an option to really consider after that.  I have to say this though... we felt like the "poor" people there.  It's a little more affluent of an area than the one we are from, and everyone seemed to look & act the part.  It shouldn't matter but a flaw of mine is that I worry way more than I should about what other's think,... it somehow still felt awkward and uncomfortable for me.  But I'm not going there so it really only matters if Emily felt that way, she seemed not to.  She still loved it just as much! No matter what I'll probably still worry but we did seem to reach a compromise we could live with. Which was? Emily will take a gap year.  We explained to admissions how we weren't sure Emily was quite ready for college, we thought as a family it would be best for her to take a gap year off. SO she won't be attending school until September 2020.  We will do our very best in that year to get her more ready to attend.  More responsibility, more experiences, and just more time was needed for Emily & us too to feel ready for this.  I honestly believe this is for the best and since they have agreed that the gap year will not affect her scholarship, we are, albeit still apprehensive, at least way more comfortable with the decision, much more than having her attend right out of high school...

 Back on Thanksgiving day in 2000 I was pregnant and It was so early in my pregnancy I was barely showing.   Long before I became pregnant,  Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday.  I think because I love food so much, but on this day I wasn't thinking of food, I was thinking about what was going to happen to my baby.  I was preparing to deliver my baby girl early.  My blood pressure was so out of control and the baby was starting to show signs it was affecting her as well.  She was small, even for her gestation age and the doctors were worried.  So around 2 pm in the afternoon, I was rolled into the operating room for an emergency C-Section, and very soon after my daughter Emily was born, weighing only 14.7 ounces and 10 inches long.  She was so small they tried to prepare us for the fact that she may not survive her birth, she might not cry,  She did both... months were spent in the hospital, surgeries, infections, 180 days in total she fought for her life, and she WON.  Today, she is an 18-year-old National Honor Society member high school senior, who has been accepted into Fairleigh Dickinson University, with an impressive 4-year merit scholarship.  She is amazing, and for all her inner spirit, and an intense will to live, we also know that she would not be here today if not for the March of Dimes and all they have done to improve the chances for micro-preemies to survive.  We are beyond thankful and this year's walk is our 17th one.  We knew we had to give back.  We knew how blessed we were. Please.  Please help us?  Please donate to our page and help our family's team help other parents and premature babies.   The ultimate goal is to help babies be born healthy and to stop other parents from having to lose precious days of their babies lives in the hospital.  I feel like I blinked and Emily's now 18!  I know though many parents don't get to experience the joy of bringing their babies home or watching them grow up, like we were blessed to be able to, we walk for healthy babies, we walk for sick babies and we walk to prevent the heartbreak of a baby born too soon and too sick to survive, and we remember the precious gift of our Emily so we keep on... Marching for babies.  Please donate to our team or join our team and help us give March of Dimes the chance to help even more babies.www.marchforbabies.org/meliwil

March for Babies 2019

 We went to the March for Babies kick-off dinner just last night. Then this morning I read an article about a baby born weighing only 10 ounces who was leaving the hospital!!  It was a great reminder of why we walk.  We walk to help babies be born healthy & to give babies who weren't a fighting chance. March of Dimes concentrates all its efforts on research and support to do just that! So when you see my post again this year, remember this sweet baby & my Emily too. They both benefited from March of Dimes. I guarantee someone you know (other than Emily) has too. If your baby got an Apgar score at birth- they have! It isn't hard to give $5 or $10 to our team, when you think about it in those terms. It wasn't just someone else's baby, it was yours too! Love you all for all your support every year! XO Emily graduates high school this year, still can't believe it! I know she would love if all of you would make this year's "Team Emily" fundraising for March of Dimes, our best one yet! Call it an early graduation gift?

 https://www.marchforbabies.org/Meliwil

Apparently, Emily got a standing ovation in her AP English class over one of her poems. We didn't even know about the poem/presentation until after she had presented it & then she came home & told us about her classmates' & teacher's reactions to it. She had to choose a poet, discuss the poet & one of his poems, and come up w/ a parody poem in the same length & meter as the poem chosen. Her poem was about the siege on Yorktown. So Emily read her poem, & her current teacher was so blown away by it that she immediately went to her English teacher from last year to tell her about Emily's poem, & Em's old teacher simply said, "I told you so"... she also texted Emily's history teacher from last year & shared the poem with him. I love this kid! #Shesspecial By the way.... This is the same kid who's freshman English teacher within the first week of that school year told us she wasn't sure Emily could handle honors English... which pissed us off, & who we basically said through clenched teeth, " let's give her some time." By back to school night, that first HS English teacher was apologizing to us. So to other teacher's out there, kids don't all fit into your ideal round holes. Give them time... get to understand that child before practically breaking their spirits & having them doubt themselves. Emily had a hard time Freshmen year doubting herself, it was the only time I'd really seen her like that, & I think it had a lot to do w/ that teacher's words.