Thursday, May 30, 2013
I've been meaning to watch this movie since I first heard of it. It has two of my current favorite actors in it. Ryan Gosling & Michelle Williams. WOW!! What an emotional roller coaster of a movie. The movie starts out simply with a young girl calling out, "Megan!!!!". You find out quickly that Megan is a dog & that the little girl (around 6yo)Frankie is the daughter to Dean (Ryan)& Cindy(Michelle). Dean & his daughter, who you can tell have an incredibly loving relationship, are unable to find the dog but later on when Cindy leaves work to get to daughter Frankie's school concert where Dean is waiting for her. Cindy finds the dog dead on the side of the road. What a melancholy beginning... huh??? Both Cindy & Dean are devastated over the dog's death &Dean wanting to "get out of this house", suggest that he & Cindy leave Frankie w/ her Grandpa & use a gift certificate they have to one of those cheesy love-nest "theme" hotels. A seemingly nice thing for him to do.... Cindy doesn't seem so up for the idea but ultimately goes with it & this is the first "REAL" inkling that all is not right w/ their marriage. The rest of the movie is basically a telling of the evolution of their relationship.. through flashbacks you learn about how they meet, quickly fall in love & must make fast decisions when a teenage Cindy finds out she's pregnant by her recently broke up w/ ex boyfriend. During the overnight stay at the hotel you learn just how far they have fallen in their relationship. The acting in the movie is superb & especially Ryan who plays Dean with such a sweetness & vulnerability that really endears you to him, so much so it's very difficult to feel sympathy for Cindy who you quickly suspect is not as in love with Dean. Honestly while watching the flashbacks you wonder why Cindy would ever fall out of love w/ him. At least that was the case for me. Dean did all the right things, came to a young Cindy's rescue & although they try hard to show his faults, you still end up liking him. (Side Note... the film makers try very hard to make the older Dean appear un-attractive with receding hairline & thick glasses, however there is nothing they can do to make that six pack un-attractive LOL!, he's gorgeous.. bad hair and all!) This movie is both incredibly romantic & bitterly heartbreaking... it's so believable, for any person who's ever been in a relationship with anyone who at one point was exactly the person they needed & loved with all their heart, but still ultimately the relationship fizzled will connect with this movie so much. If you're like me it will leave you feeling melancholy too. Even being left feeling that way, I was very happy that I finally caught this movie on Showtime. Check it out if you haven't yet, it's definitely worth investing your time watching.
I've been in a bad funk lately... I'll work through it, I will, but for right now it's rough. Sometimes I wish I was a different person, a braver person. It often makes me sad. Which makes me feel guilty cause for all the 'poor' me, I know in ways I'm the richest luckiest person & have been blessed with so much. It doesn't change the fact that in moments I wish I could do better. I wish that I was living my life with more confidence. I've had a self esteem issue for most of my life, not feeling good enough---wanting to please people but often times at the expense of not putting my self on the list at all. Then, having not put my self on the list in so long, being fearful of the outcome of doing that. I know I'm being very cryptic here, & I guess it's just not wanting to fully explain my inner most secrets to the world but still hoping I feel better by writing this, even if not for anyone else but me, & those others who do understand. I write this for you & I...
Thursday, May 9, 2013
It's been 12 years today that I lost my mom & yet sometimes the pain feels so strong it seems like only yesterday. I love & miss her so much! Mostly I can deal w/ the pain but the anniversary of her death always falls around Mother's day, & I always fall apart a little because it's hard seeing all the mother day commercials & celebrations, & not wish so much she were here. I was really lucky to have her in my life for 29 yrs but the "missing" pain never goes away & it's the simple things in life that constantly remind me of her absence. The new country song she would like, the lifetime movie on Saturday night, sharing moments & seeing her reaction to them...the simple things. If you're lucky enough to still have your mom.. be a little kinder, take a little more time. I promise you her nagging & what have you, won't be what you remember, let things slide & take moments in the chaos of life to tell her how much she's loved.
RIP Mommy... I miss you so much! Been thinking about you a lot lately... it's been 12 yrs today, & the missing you never ends. I love you & I hope I told you enough that you were sure of it. I hope others tell their loved ones while they still have time! I miss you so much & hope you are able to see how remarkable our Miss Emily is... she's something else, isn't she? I love you, always thinking of you.
11/19/1949 - 5/9/2001
11/19/1949 - 5/9/2001
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Today....I'm thinking about my sister in law Eileen. Her mom Mary died on Monday evening after a short battle w/ cancer. I've wanted to reach out, but I know they've all been so busy.. her mom lived over an hour away & it's been very hard on Eileen, my brother in law Rob & their boys not only because her mom meant so much to them all, but the running back & forth to visit her & the quickness of her down turn. I don't want us to be a bother... & yet I don't want them to think we don't care. I've been thinking about them all so much, & having experienced the pain of losing my own mother, know how difficult it is. We did send them a card to let them know we were thinking about them a few weeks ago. The viewing is today. My heart is so broken for them, but especially for Eileen. I know she & her mother were close, & I know that this must be so hard for her. I'm sure she is surrounded by her big Irish family, & Pat, my mother in law has let us know that Mary was surrounded by family & died after the priest was there. This morning I was thinking about them, & I just started crying hysterically... I mean it. The kind where you can't get your breathe, the tears flowing & loud sobbing cries, it was surprising to me, I think it just surfaced all the pain I keep hidden that I still feel from the loss of my mom. She wasn't surrounded by anyone, but doctors & nurses, died in the middle of the night. I wonder if she was afraid. I wonder if she knew how very much we loved her. How much we still do! I guess I needed it, & I guess that's the way life is, you can't suppress you pain forever, sometimes you're reminded of it, because of someone else's pain. You put yourself in their shoes & when you've already been there, it just re-ignites your own pain again. I know that Eileen's mother was very religious & Eileen is too. I hope it brings them all comfort that she's in a better place & I hope that & memories ease their pain. But I know, she'll always think of her mom, just like I do. It never ends... the missing.