the "too deep" of a thinker Emily...

Last night as I was tucking in Emily... she said out of the blue.. "Mom---what if you died?" Well I was a little took back.. i mean I didn't know what to say, how was I suppose to answer that.... finally.. i said "well that probably won't happen for a loooong time". Emily is a little "obsessed" with the idea of death.. I kinda understand why? I mean Emily grew up around death.. My mom died when Emily was 6 months old. I don't think we realized what an impact that would have on her... We talked about it, were sad about it..obviously, that loss was very hard for me, obviously.. and she lived with us.. so it was talked not ALOT but more than normal probably.. how could it not be, so I get it.. i understand why she asked it but it's hard and I don't want it to be something she thinks about all the time, so I also said, "Emily.. none of us know when we are going to die but MOST people live to be very OLD and so it's not something we should THINK about too much, known of us have Expiration dates, meaning we don't know how long we'll live BUT probably for a long time... ok?" She said okay... & I kissed her goodnight. As a mom, I hope i answered it okay... & luckily when she's ask these types of questions in the past, we atleast have an example of a person who lived a good loooong life too.. her Great Grandma who just passed away in 2009 was 96 years old!!! So I've also said in the past... look at Great... she lived a good LONG life. I've also said.. that i would always love her, and that there would always be people to take care of her, and love her. Cause like I said, we have this talk more than most kids & parents do, but never quite this direct.. it's a tough subject. When I think about it... when I was a kid, i thought about it too, more than I think most kids probably.. i don't know why i did.. perhaps it's just cause I was a worrier, just like Emily... and what's the biggest thing to worry about ... DEATH! BUT, I don't want her to worry about it. Hell I don't want myself to worry about it... so I want very much so to ease her worrying. Anyway.. I hope my answer was okay, and provided her a little comfort. What should one say.. how does one answer that? I'm not sure there is a perfect answer.. so i just hope i did ok.

1st post of 2011.... that's CRAZY!

Well i was looking at this blog today for the first time in a long time and it just got me wanting to post something, i can't believe I haven't written anything in 2011...I really do have some catching up to do. This whole Japan tsunami & earthquake is beyond HEARTBREAKING.. I seriously can't watch the news.. i mean i can't.. it gets me tooo sad. I feel so small. I don't know how to help.. and so i just don't watch for my own good. Anyway, What else.... Brian's been liking his job still.. the new one at SEI. He's still a contracted employee with them but is hoping to become an actual employee.. it would be a wonderful step! So that's good news.. me on the other end. I decided to leave TG. I had some building resentment over a few decisions that were made there, and so for many reasons, decided to give my 2 week notice. The truth of the matter is, I think I'll be much happier now. It wasn't worth it. Anyway, the funny thing is that I did actually enjoy working there, aside from the fact that it wasn't something that I felt like i was properly trained to do, and "Perfection" was expected & I'm sorry but no one is perfect. Atleast that is my take, I'm sure my boss has his own. I'm not trying to bad mouth anyone..it's just this is my blog and I won't be anything but honest on it. The good news is that I know will have the opportunity to babysit Joshy more. Danielle is taking on more hours and so hopefully I'll get him a little more--- so that'll help a little with boredom & such. Eventually I'll probably need to find something else. God knows we could use the money. Brian was really really supportive and that made me feel better about the decision. I love him for that. Like everyone we arque but when it comes to the big picture things we are usually on the same page. WHich is a wonderful thing. Anyway.. Emily is doing pretty good. She had a little bit of a rough batch as far as math was concerned but seems to have gotten back on track. 4th grade is going pretty good. She actually just completed an essay that is due tomorrow so that's good. Anyway.. I'm actually babysitting Joshy tomorrow so i should probably get to bed. I'll write soon.. i hope anyway.. peace!

Really IMPORTANT things I've been meaning to SHARE!

I'm soo proud of Emily. :) She's just the best kid. Her report card was great again. She got straight A's and we are so proud of her hard work!! I love her so much for all the things that make her special.... and there are a lot! I haven't written about this yet but I wanted to quickly share with you, how great Emily did in the Americanism show this year. It was on November 19th this year. She once again was a POM POM girl in it. Her grade (the 4th graders)sang the "Armed Forces" medley & Emily had the routine and songs down perfectly. She performed her little heart out, BUT they positioned her a little tooo close to the balloons on the side of the stage and at one point she got all tangled up in them, but she kept on rocking out. (you know the show must go on... such the little performer that she is) I was really proud about it, I thought it might rattle her but she kept on going and was even able to get herself out from them. :) It actually was really cute and got a bunch of giggles from the audience. I LOVED the whole show!! It was really great. Let's see....... What else has been going on? Emily had a pittsburgh Steelers themed birthday party this year. She even wore a little steelers outfit and ofcourse she looked adorable! I can't believe she's 10! WOW!! How time flies. I think she had a great time at her birthday party. Also we've been playing a lot of "CANDY LAND" lately. She's just really into it. It's funny cause she's soo advanced in sooooo many ways but in some ways the simpliest games/toys still bring the most joy to her. Anyway of course Christmas is coming and I HOPE that Emily likes the things that she gets..As a parent you want to get your kids everything but this year we've had to cut back, and while I know it's NOT a good idea to get your kids everything they ask for---- it sure is hard not to. Right now, Emily isn't feeling well.. she's got a slight fever. I am definitely going to keep her home from school tomorrow & try and nip it in the butt before it turns into a full fledged cold. I really want her to get better by Christmas! NO kid should be sick on Christmas. Please say a prayer or send some positive thoughts her way. PLEASE! Thanks... anyway. I guess I should go but just wanted to share these few memories with you! Good night everyone and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Elizabeth Edwards 1949-2010

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

By Leonard Cohen

This was a quote that Elizabeth Edwards liked. I've been really sad over her death, like SERIOUSLY crying over it.... perhaps it's just feeling very sad for her family. perhaps it's reminding me of my mom's death & opening a little of that wound, perhaps it's being Christmas time and I'm always a little sad at this time of year.... I lost my mom in 2001--- Both Elizabeth & my mother were born in 1949.
SO I'll send some prayers up to the heavens, for it is all I can do.. Prayers for her family and mine too.