The Amazing, Magnificent, Divine Miss Em.

A cute Emily story........ This morning I'm lying in bed, knowing Emily will be waking up soon. I'm just lying there, not really trying to sleep, just resting and EMily comes bouncing in my room, and YELLS.... "BOOKFAIR! BOOKFAIR! TODAY!!! TODAY IS THE BOOKFAIR AT SCHOOL!" Which is followed by a squeal of delight... that one can NOT help feeling her joy from. THAT'S EMILY..... summed up. Completely delighted by the bookfair at school today and the joy she feels knowing new books are coming in to her life. What isn't to love about Emily.... What isn't to feel joy about having such a child. A delight!! My God, I am lucky!!!

I saw a beautiful Blue Jay yesterday.

My life is so full of stress right now. I feel like I am going to explode. I read somewhere you should write down one nice thing you saw or did each day to help when you are stressed out. Hence, the title of this blog. Oh, and by the way.... that doesn't work!!! We are very worried about Emily right now. We noticed starting last week she was having these moments of being "out of it" it's like seizures that only last 2 or 3 seconds, (initially we thought she was just extra tired from going to full day school for the first time). Sometimes she blinks her eyes or her eyes will roll backwards. SHe seems not to notice, she even did it. So ofcourse we got on the internet and tried to figure it out. It fits perfectly with something called, "Absence Seizures". SO we took her to her pediatrician last night. He thinks it sounds like them as well. We hadn't told him that was what we were thinking also, until after he said it sounds like them so he wants us to have Emily get an EEG and see a Neurologist. I am really worried, I just don't want Emily to have to go thru all of this. I know that she needs to, and she will but it's just very difficult. She's her happy go lucky self and she is totally unaware that she is even doing something that is causing us concern. We've questioned her, like EMily what just happened and she's like, What do you mean?' It's hard to see your child for even the briefiest moment.... " Out of it" unaware of what is happening. It's so unexpected and so uncontrolled. It's scary. I also am hoping that it is not anything more serious then the "Absence Seizure" becuase they don't cause any long lasting affects on the child and some children even out grow them by the time they are teenagers. She doesn't have any other symptoms and she is acting just fine. It sounds weird-- I am almost saying I hope she is having Absense seizures. No, I wish it was nothing but I know it is something because I've seen them so I am hoping it's nothing more serious then them. We LOVE Emily so much... it's hard to know that she may have Epilepsy of some kind. It's a very mild form but it's still another thing. A hardship I can't take away from her and make all better and that truly hurts my heart. So if you happen to read this, please.... say a prayer for Emily.

Just another political rant...

I find it interesting that the "help" our government gives to our own citizens is thought of as a bad thing by some of our citizens. But the majority of the people that are against programs like welfare, dairy subsidies and even healthcare are the same people who are for the war in Iraq. That's it's okay to invade a country and "help" the Iraqi people, even if they don't want it. Even if it means killing thousands and thousands of innocent people. There was no direct threat to America from the country of Iraq. The terrorist in Iraq and other countries.... yes, but we should find the terrorist through intelligence ... not by fighting innocent people and their country. I am not saying that our government run programs are perfect, but some of the reason is because they are for people. And people are not always honest or good. Do people take advantage of Welfare, sure..... Could some of these people find jobs...sure but maybe not enough to support their families... maybe they are stuck. Maybe there are even people who just don't care.. but should we hurt the people that really need it because of a few bad apples. I don't think so. My mother had to go on Welfare for a little while when I was a kid...was she proud of it... no. She did it because she was a single mom trying to raise her kids and the jobs she could get didn't pay enough for her to pay rent & put food on the table. When she was able to, she got a better paying job and was able to get off welfare. That's how it should work.... but the system isn't perfect. I'll admit to being naive, I'm not highly educated but I beleive that we should help our own citizens and then help the people of the world and not by killing them. I have a great respect for our soldiers, it isn't them making the decisions to go into war. When they get there they have to do what they can to help, do the job they are given, and protect themselves and they are remarkable. I have the utmost respect for them.... honestly, and I want them to come home to their families. Just my thoughts, they aren't worth much but they are what they are. God Bless our Soldiers and the innocent.

The GOD blog

I have never been a very religious person-- I guess when you don't grow up going to church..... the idea of God doesn't come easy to you. I didn't know what to believe for a long time, and I guess there still is the tiniest part of me that still doesn't. But mostly I believe in God. And I believe in GOD, because of Emily. When my Mom was so sick with cancer, I thought there is no way I wanted to believe in God--- how could he allow this? I was angry--- so angry and I just wasn't sure I wanted to believe in a God who allowed things like this to happen. I mean my Mom was a good person. I guess this is how alot of people feel when tragedy occurs. Then something happened, it wasn't PLANNED, or thought of, but I became pregnant. Not to go into a lot of detail about how it happened, but Brian and I were not doing "it" very often at the time. Because well to be frank, I was devastated about my Mom's illness and I thought at the time, it wasn't the time for intimacy. I think we figured out only one time in the period of time it could have happened---- and we didn't do anything different as far as birth control was concerned. We were just as careful. SO, it was a BIG SHOCK to us when we learned I was pregnant. I mean SHOCK!! I was never a girl who thought about having children and wasn't even sure it was something I wanted to do in my lifetime. I thought being an aunt/friend/mentor to children would be enough--- so we were initially uncertain about it. But that quickly changed for me after the initial shock wore off, and I started thinking about the BIG picture. Maybe it was divine intervention. Maybe this was God's plan..... and then I began to have problems in my pregnancy. My job was stressful and my Mom was sick and I just couldn't control my blood pressure.... pretty much from the beginning of my pregnancy things were not going right. We all wondered privately whether I would lose the baby. It didn't help when the triple screen came back positive for spina bifida--- it ended up being a false positive but it was an even more stressful couple of days/weeks until a ultrasound confirmed Emily would NOT be born with spina bifida. I was so worried and stressed and I couldn't stop worrying, but somehow I made it to 24 weeks and at this point was schedule for twice weekly appointment to have my blood pressure checked and to check on Emily. It was a Thursday night, Nov 16th 2000--- when during one of these appointments, My Obgyn said I needed to go to the hospital and that I could have the baby as early as that night. I was freaked--- Brian was in Boston and so my Mom drove me to the hospital. I wasn't willing to accept it--- I was arguing to myself the whole time. " I feel fine... I didn't need to go to the hospital... Blah blah.. " I was in denial.... I couldn't lose Emily... I LOVED her so much already and the hope I received from her.. hope for my Mom as well. I managed to stay pregnant for another week..... and on Thanksgiving Day 2000, they performed a C-Section, and Emily was born. So Small... she could easily fit in the palm of a hand. She was 14.7 ounces, not even 1 pound. SHE had little chance to survive, but she did. Her life is a miracle--- of that I'm sure-- But it was one day of all Emily's hospitalization that I've had the closest thing to feeling God in my life. She was a couple of weeks old and developed a very bad infection and the doctors called us in for a family meeting. We went into a private small room... the docs, a social worker and the nurse who had Emily that day. The doctors told us that we should think of letting Emily go. WHAT?, a million things went thru our heads------ I remember just speaking... saying whatever came to my mind.. I remember most everything I said. I remember saying to the doctors, " I don't want to be cruel, I don't want her to suffer... But " I remember saying, " we read that it could take weeks to beat infections like this and she had only one dose of medicine" The doctors explained how it was one more thing on top of everything else. But I didnt care what they were saying. I knew it wasn't the time and I knew Brian felt the same way.. then I remember saying, " You may know the statistics on millions of baby's but you don't know the spirit of this one- of Emily" and I remember saying, "If God does this, if he takes my Mom and my baby... I'll never again believe in God" I remember so clearly saying this.. I remember it like it was yesterday.. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this... it is so raw still. The doctors, and others left us at this point, to think and determine what we wanted to do, they said the decision was ours to make. I remember, Brian saying, " F*C* YOU GOD YOU CAN'T HAVE HER" He was shouting and cursing and punching the air and the walls and so angry. I felt a peace come over me and I said, "NO- Don't" We comforted each other. We knew we were not ready, but more importantly we knew Emily wasn't ready to give up. We both calmed down... we both relaxed a little. We felt comfort... I felt God. I can't explain it, I just know he was there, I know he answered our prayers that day. Emily still had a long road ahead of her and the 176 days of her hospitalization were the hardest of my life. And while I wish so much that my Mom was here to share the joy we feel with Emily every day. I know Emily was God's gift to us and to my Mom. My Mom received so much comfort from Emily in the last months of her life. She knew it too. My Mom told a friend of hers that Emily was here to take her place. SO when my life seems difficult and I doubt a greater power.... I have to remember that day... when I am sure of God.