The GOD blog

I have never been a very religious person-- I guess when you don't grow up going to church..... the idea of God doesn't come easy to you. I didn't know what to believe for a long time, and I guess there still is the tiniest part of me that still doesn't. But mostly I believe in God. And I believe in GOD, because of Emily. When my Mom was so sick with cancer, I thought there is no way I wanted to believe in God--- how could he allow this? I was angry--- so angry and I just wasn't sure I wanted to believe in a God who allowed things like this to happen. I mean my Mom was a good person. I guess this is how alot of people feel when tragedy occurs. Then something happened, it wasn't PLANNED, or thought of, but I became pregnant. Not to go into a lot of detail about how it happened, but Brian and I were not doing "it" very often at the time. Because well to be frank, I was devastated about my Mom's illness and I thought at the time, it wasn't the time for intimacy. I think we figured out only one time in the period of time it could have happened---- and we didn't do anything different as far as birth control was concerned. We were just as careful. SO, it was a BIG SHOCK to us when we learned I was pregnant. I mean SHOCK!! I was never a girl who thought about having children and wasn't even sure it was something I wanted to do in my lifetime. I thought being an aunt/friend/mentor to children would be enough--- so we were initially uncertain about it. But that quickly changed for me after the initial shock wore off, and I started thinking about the BIG picture. Maybe it was divine intervention. Maybe this was God's plan..... and then I began to have problems in my pregnancy. My job was stressful and my Mom was sick and I just couldn't control my blood pressure.... pretty much from the beginning of my pregnancy things were not going right. We all wondered privately whether I would lose the baby. It didn't help when the triple screen came back positive for spina bifida--- it ended up being a false positive but it was an even more stressful couple of days/weeks until a ultrasound confirmed Emily would NOT be born with spina bifida. I was so worried and stressed and I couldn't stop worrying, but somehow I made it to 24 weeks and at this point was schedule for twice weekly appointment to have my blood pressure checked and to check on Emily. It was a Thursday night, Nov 16th 2000--- when during one of these appointments, My Obgyn said I needed to go to the hospital and that I could have the baby as early as that night. I was freaked--- Brian was in Boston and so my Mom drove me to the hospital. I wasn't willing to accept it--- I was arguing to myself the whole time. " I feel fine... I didn't need to go to the hospital... Blah blah.. " I was in denial.... I couldn't lose Emily... I LOVED her so much already and the hope I received from her.. hope for my Mom as well. I managed to stay pregnant for another week..... and on Thanksgiving Day 2000, they performed a C-Section, and Emily was born. So Small... she could easily fit in the palm of a hand. She was 14.7 ounces, not even 1 pound. SHE had little chance to survive, but she did. Her life is a miracle--- of that I'm sure-- But it was one day of all Emily's hospitalization that I've had the closest thing to feeling God in my life. She was a couple of weeks old and developed a very bad infection and the doctors called us in for a family meeting. We went into a private small room... the docs, a social worker and the nurse who had Emily that day. The doctors told us that we should think of letting Emily go. WHAT?, a million things went thru our heads------ I remember just speaking... saying whatever came to my mind.. I remember most everything I said. I remember saying to the doctors, " I don't want to be cruel, I don't want her to suffer... But " I remember saying, " we read that it could take weeks to beat infections like this and she had only one dose of medicine" The doctors explained how it was one more thing on top of everything else. But I didnt care what they were saying. I knew it wasn't the time and I knew Brian felt the same way.. then I remember saying, " You may know the statistics on millions of baby's but you don't know the spirit of this one- of Emily" and I remember saying, "If God does this, if he takes my Mom and my baby... I'll never again believe in God" I remember so clearly saying this.. I remember it like it was yesterday.. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this... it is so raw still. The doctors, and others left us at this point, to think and determine what we wanted to do, they said the decision was ours to make. I remember, Brian saying, " F*C* YOU GOD YOU CAN'T HAVE HER" He was shouting and cursing and punching the air and the walls and so angry. I felt a peace come over me and I said, "NO- Don't" We comforted each other. We knew we were not ready, but more importantly we knew Emily wasn't ready to give up. We both calmed down... we both relaxed a little. We felt comfort... I felt God. I can't explain it, I just know he was there, I know he answered our prayers that day. Emily still had a long road ahead of her and the 176 days of her hospitalization were the hardest of my life. And while I wish so much that my Mom was here to share the joy we feel with Emily every day. I know Emily was God's gift to us and to my Mom. My Mom received so much comfort from Emily in the last months of her life. She knew it too. My Mom told a friend of hers that Emily was here to take her place. SO when my life seems difficult and I doubt a greater power.... I have to remember that day... when I am sure of God.