Lessons

There are times in your life that are so difficult, times when u question why is this happening, when you curse God or the powers that be, when life seemed soo unfair that you felt so lost it hurt all the time. Then somehow you came thru it.... and IF YOU DON'T take something from it and DO something to make the world a better place, then it's my opinion you didn't deserve to come thru it. For me it was when simultaneously my mom was dying and my daughter was born sooooo tiny, and sooooo early there was little chance of her surviving..... and I'm not going to lie, there was a time when I didn't believe in anything..I said at one time if GOD takes my MOM & my daughter, I WILL not believe in him.... I WILL not!!!! I remember that day clear as anything... sitting in the hospital room with a bunch of doctors, nurses, and a social worker, there to say, that we should think of letting Emily go, that they didn't know what else to do for her and if this mediciine they gave her didn't start working, that was it. I remember praying to God, Please PLEASE PLEASE just let it work!!!! Afterwards they left us to think about the awful choice of whether or not to let Emily go.... we knew what we wanted to do, we wanted to let her keep fighting, we knew she would let us know when she had enough, & I felt a calm come over me..i think it was God. I've shared this story before... and while we were sitting there, I remember saying prayers over and over that it was ok if she wasn't perfect.. because she was OUR daughter and we LOVED her!!!! So yes, my daughter would be allowed to fight! And fight did she! Comfort she brought to us & my Mom!! It was such a remarkable recovery.. it was long but of all that could have been wrong with Emily.... there is VERY little.. and to me she is PERFECT!!!! So after all was said and done, I choose to try and be better, hell I HAD to. I was given this remarkable gift. So I try to be better, I try to have love in my heart and think of others.. am I perfect NO WAY. But what I realized is life isn't about JUST having a good time, it's about trying to make the world better!! In what ever small steps or big steps you can. It's not about HOW BIG THE ACTION is but that there is ACTION!!! For me, The circumstances sorrounding the darkest days of my life so far, losing my mom & witnessing the miracle of my daughter's survival taught me that I needed to try and make the world better. I think I've always been a kind person, have I made mistakes in my life, YES!! Many!!! But each day I wake up, with hope that I will LOVE you until you give me a reason not to, and even then I'll try to...& that I have the courage to tell you when I think you are wrong. I will not let you bring me down. I will try and be who it is I want to be. You know growing up, My family was void of politics, my mom didn't vote, i would watch the primaries and base my opinion on who should win, on who was the most handsome or some trivial thing like that, I didn't know any other way.... When I had Emily my opinions changed I had this amazing person who I needed to make the world better for. So I got involved.. I realized that my core values allign better with the democratic party than with the Republican. I don't think that because you are a republican, you're wrong or bad. I just happen to NOT agree with you on MANY MANY subjects. I know that politics is FRUSTRATING and full of problems but it's what we have, & if you get out and try, even if it doesn't come out the way you wanted it to, then you atleast know you tried but if you don't then you have NO reason to BITCH... you did nothing! I realized too, that while I beleive in God, I won't JUDGE you if you don't and I won't try to convince you, that you have to believe in the same thing as me. I'll respect everyone.. cause when we were in that hospital room with Emily day in and day out.. we were all just parents supporting each other... there was NO RACE, NO Religion, we were just parents & people struggling, i could of cared less what church you went or religion you were, it just didn't matter, and was another lesson I took from that time!! Those things just DID not matter! So I don't believe you have to go to church, I don't, but I have more faith than some that do. It doesn't make you better because you do, and its wonderful that you go. I wouldn't have an abortion but I won't judge you if you do, or had to. I don't know your story. Just as most people don't know mine. There will be a judgement day I believe but it won't be from me. So believe what you want! It's your journey. But know that if you have HATE in your heart, & I find it, we won't be friends. I'm NOT perfect and I'm not trying to say I am...but I know that I am better than the old version of me. & I know that I have love in my heart & I'm happier for it.. even if some of my rants make me seem like I'm not! I'm passionate, and that's important. The are other thing I learned was about giving back, so we chose to start walking in the March of Dimes, and this is our 9th walk..each year I am driven to do it.. I think it's my Mom from heaven giving me a little push.. and even though it's hard work especially this year trying to get donations.. I do it, cause I need to. I really believe in this charity.. and I know that their research helped Emily SURVIVE!! So again it comes back to trying to learn the lessons I was meant to. I'm sure there were more lessons I was meant to learn from that time, but I think I've done good. So anyway... think about it, Have you???

140 letters or less.

Sometimes I'm too wordy... trust me read some of my post.. it's like blah, blah, blah... but what I like about twitter is you have 140 spaces to type in and that's it. I have to get to the point and i like that..

My latest post was:

clearing a patch 4 veg garden, it's hard&i'm no green thumb,i figure, the earth should know what 2 do,& i got my veg garden 4 dummies book.

hehe.. and I'm learning to like writting that way. Don't know if that's a good thing.. but it is fun! :)

Well today I have either "pink eye" or a major allergy attack because my one eye is pink & watery. It was crusty this morning & during my nap.... so was thinking it was pink eye for awhile.. now i'm not soo sure.. I've had pink eye and usually it's worse than this is but I don't know.. anyway, I was supposed to have the kids this morning but decided that I would leave it up to their parents whether they ACTUALLY came or not, understandably they decided it wasn't worth the risk. I understand, but I'm not thinking it's the "contagious" kind, cause I've had that kind before and the symptions were alot more serious.. but what do i know.. if it doesn't heal in a couple of days I'll go to the drs... right now I'm just washing my hands alot and spraying lysol incase. Anyway... that wasn't really the reason I'm writing.. I think I've decided to plant a vegetable garden.. I have this extra time cause I'm not working right now, and with the economy being what it is, and my own limitations (transportation) I'm not sure when i'll get a job, so I'm seriously thinking about it. Wanted to talk to my aunt about going in 1/2 with me for the seeds and stuff, & guidance (she's way more of a green thumb then me) but we can use my yard & I'll be responsible for watering it & day to day care, she'll come once a week to monitor and we can split the "harvest". Anyway I want to run the idea by her and see what she thinks. Knowing how much that I'm not a green thumb she might now think it's worth the "risk" haha.. but i thought it would be a way for us to stay connected as well.. we have the quilt project right now we are doing but this would require some "up-front" things and then some waiting so we might be able to swing both projects right now. I don't know, gotta talk to her and see what she thinks.

Easter Flowers.... 2011

Hi, I got these pretty flowers from my aunt & my cousin Tiffany! So sweet.. thank you ladies! Love u both...

My husband's book

This is our story in my husband's words. He's a great writer, we had it self-published a few years ago (It was such a daunting job trying to get it published thru a major book publisher) It's about when our daughter was first born very premature and she was fighting to survive, and also at the same time watching my mom loss her battle with cancer. My mom Margaret lost her battle 8 days before Emily came home from the hospital after being there for 6 months. The picture of the two roses on the front cover, represents my mom in her last stages of life, and my daughter in her beginning. It's an amazing story, and when I think about it, I'm truly amazed we got through it... but we did, because of the gift of our daughter! She provided us such comfort, a purpose to go on, and lots of things to take our mind off of our loss & she still does. She provided my mom even more.. my mom told me she provided her with comfort, & restored her faith. She beleived Emily was here to replace her death with life. I beleive that as well, to find out my husband's take you'll have to read the book..... Let us know if you are interested in reading it. Leave a comment.... PEACE. :)

Our "easter" desserts

Made with Love by, Emily, Aunt Barbara & Me

The good & the bad.....

These are things I like about me:

my kindness
my eyes
my lips
my heart
my sense of humor
my willingness to learn
I'm a good Mom
I'm forgiving
I'm open & honest

My desire to do & be better

These are things I don't like about me:

my worrying
my teeth
my weight
my seriousness
my lack of education
my lack of confidence
my fear
my impatience
caring too much what others think

Emily's "the Littles" Project

Last year Emily did a Diarama of a scene from a book she read for 3rd grade.. She wants to keep it, but it's kinda getting destroyed so before it was too far gone I figured I should take a picture of it for us to keep it that way. (Plus she makes so many things we are running out of room!) LOL! I hope the makers of this blog, let us know if they plan on getting rid of this anytime soon. Lots of memories on here! Anyway... here it is....

More Pokemon Drawings by Emily

Emily's Pokemon Drawings over the years

My Godson & I's "Mr Potato-Heads"

Joshy & I played Mr Potato Head today. I decided our creations were soo cool that I should take a pic...lol. Also my friend Danielle(his mommy) doesn't like Joshy's pic on the internet but I figured since his back was to the camera she wouldn't care. LOL! I hope... anyway.. he's soo cute I had to try. :) Happy Monday people.. i'm out, we got to get back to playing.

Restored!

I'm feeling really good right now.... which is saying something, cause I've been in kind of a funk lately, so much about the world right now has been making me feel blah... the political enviroment, the tragedies, my jobloss, so I've been in a funk. Then this morning.. a friend of mine from 20 years ago (we've reconnected on Facebook a few years ago..) I really like this girl, and thru facebook have found out that we have similar thinking (politically speaking, amongst other things) She was ALWAYS a really nice girl, one of those girls in High School who was POPULAR but never a mean girl. She was that rare breed of a very popular girl who was genuinely a nice person... and we were friends because of that.. because I definitely wasn't in the "popular" crowd like her. But she was nice to everyone, including me! Anyway... like I said I've been feeling like blah lately, so much so that even something that usually brings out my "competitive" side because it means so much to me, raising money for our March of Dimes walk has been effected. I'm not giving it the normal zeal I usually do, it hasn't been all my fault, some of it has to do with the fact that I haven't been getting the usual support I have in the past. Even with the 4 or 5 postings on FB, Twitter, here & the personal email I send out, I had yet to have any "personal" donations (we as a team had raised $260.00 WHich is great!! but my personal page, had yet to see a donation, and i was beginning to think that with the economy being what it is, perhaps I wasn't going to be able to raise any money for this charity that means so much to me. Raising money for them, makes me feel good, like I'm doing something to give back for all the blessing I've have. (EMILY!!) Anyway.. coupled with everything else.. like I said I was in a FUNK. The thing is I get it... I understand why people can't donate as much as years past, cause shit neither can I. But I was hoping that the ones who could, would even if it wasn't as much as usual.. i was only asking for $5.00 & I figured most could swing that... anyway i was also just beginning to feel like oh shit.. how about if no one donates??? So I was feeling really deflated.. Then this wonderful girl donated $100.00!! But more than that she restored my faith, and re-energize me to try my hardest to raise $ for the walk. My fundraising efforts had been a little lax of late.. because I was begining to think (as wrong as it was) why bother??? Anyway.. thank u friend for restoring my faith, drive, & just my mood & it's not just about the $ (although WOW!!) it's more about having her support us in our efforts to help MOD because of our personal experience with the charity & knowing she gets it! Why it means so much to me. :) Anyway.. I'm sure she'll never see this post or understand just how much it means to me.. ( I said a BIG thank u to her on FB) but feel like it wasn't enough.. so I decided to post this and send it out to the universe just so it's out there to show how much it meant to me. THANK U sweet friend! U r awesome!

This was my first blog post from 2007.. explains why we walk in March of Dimes

All About me


Hi.. I've never really been one to keep a journal or write down my thoughts and ideas. When you're a mom & wife you sometimes forget you have your own ideas. I guess I should start with some history of myself. I never went to college and I regret this almost daily especially when I realize how smart my 6 yr old is and seriously begin to doubt whether I will be able to help her with her homework after about 4th grade. Kidding? but not really. You know? I was raised by a single mother, my father was never really in my life and I don't really remember him at all. They divorced when I was around 3 or 4. I have 2 siblings an older sister and a younger half-brother. My mom was great, but she had what alot of single moms have. Not enough time and not enough resources and just not enough. You know. She tried so hard... it just was what it was. I love (d) her though. She died in 2001 from ovarian cancer. I miss her very very much. In 2000 I became pregnant with my first child, we( my then boyfriend-now husband and myself) were very happy but it was a very difficult time for us... my mom was fighting her battle w. cancer and she and my much younger brother he was 14 at the time were living with us. I loved them being with us but it was also very stressful and difficult to see someone you love so much becoming so weak and losing her battle infront of you everyday. I also at the time worked at a stressful job at a call center. People never called to say anything nice they only called to complain about the invoices they got. The fees they were charged.... etc. I'm telling you this looonnnng detailed story to get to the point that my daughter was born very premature and weighed only 14 ounces at birth. I had high blood pressure from everything going on. She was born via emergency c section on Thanksgiving day 2000. We named her Emily Brianne-- Emily we choose early on and Brianne at the last minute becuase it meant STRONG ONE. We were told she probably would not LIVE! She spent 6 months in the hospital and had numerous health scares and surgeries and we thought we would lose her so many times but some how she pulled through and we finally took her home on May 17th 2001, 8 days after my mom died from the cancer. It was a very tough time in my life and as I write this the tears are easily flowing down my face. It's hard to think about. But I'm also so grateful for so many things. My mom got to meet Emily, hold her and talk to her. We were able to tell her that Emily would be coming home. I think she held on until she knew for sure. We told her the last day we saw her alive. Emily meant so much to her and helped us all so much .I don't think I would have made it without Emily---my mom meant so much to me. God gave me such a gift with her. She is just the best kid--- I know i'm her mom but she is one amazing human being. She is only in kindergarten and already reading probably 4th grade level. She started reading at 21/2 or 3 years old. She loves learning everything. She doesn't really have a lot of long lasting health issues from being born so early.. although she does get physical and occupational therapies to help her with some developmental delays. But she is improving everyday and we were just told that her OT will stop when she starts school next year, she will still get PT to help her. We are very proud of her and she really is just an amazing person.

Sponsor Me at March for Babies!

My daughter Emily Brianne was born VERY premature.. She weighed just 14.7 ounces and was 3 1/2 months early. This is our family's 9th walk! If you can won't you please donate to a terrific cause! Thank you!!!! :) God BLESS!