Thursday, April 28, 2011
There are times in your life that are so difficult, times when u question why is this happening, when you curse God or the powers that be, when life seemed soo unfair that you felt so lost it hurt all the time. Then somehow you came thru it.... and IF YOU DON'T take something from it and DO something to make the world a better place, then it's my opinion you didn't deserve to come thru it. For me it was when simultaneously my mom was dying and my daughter was born sooooo tiny, and sooooo early there was little chance of her surviving..... and I'm not going to lie, there was a time when I didn't believe in anything..I said at one time if GOD takes my MOM & my daughter, I WILL not believe in him.... I WILL not!!!! I remember that day clear as anything... sitting in the hospital room with a bunch of doctors, nurses, and a social worker, there to say, that we should think of letting Emily go, that they didn't know what else to do for her and if this mediciine they gave her didn't start working, that was it. I remember praying to God, Please PLEASE PLEASE just let it work!!!! Afterwards they left us to think about the awful choice of whether or not to let Emily go.... we knew what we wanted to do, we wanted to let her keep fighting, we knew she would let us know when she had enough, & I felt a calm come over me..i think it was God. I've shared this story before... and while we were sitting there, I remember saying prayers over and over that it was ok if she wasn't perfect.. because she was OUR daughter and we LOVED her!!!! So yes, my daughter would be allowed to fight! And fight did she! Comfort she brought to us & my Mom!! It was such a remarkable recovery.. it was long but of all that could have been wrong with Emily.... there is VERY little.. and to me she is PERFECT!!!! So after all was said and done, I choose to try and be better, hell I HAD to. I was given this remarkable gift. So I try to be better, I try to have love in my heart and think of others.. am I perfect NO WAY. But what I realized is life isn't about JUST having a good time, it's about trying to make the world better!! In what ever small steps or big steps you can. It's not about HOW BIG THE ACTION is but that there is ACTION!!! For me, The circumstances sorrounding the darkest days of my life so far, losing my mom & witnessing the miracle of my daughter's survival taught me that I needed to try and make the world better. I think I've always been a kind person, have I made mistakes in my life, YES!! Many!!! But each day I wake up, with hope that I will LOVE you until you give me a reason not to, and even then I'll try to...& that I have the courage to tell you when I think you are wrong. I will not let you bring me down. I will try and be who it is I want to be. You know growing up, My family was void of politics, my mom didn't vote, i would watch the primaries and base my opinion on who should win, on who was the most handsome or some trivial thing like that, I didn't know any other way.... When I had Emily my opinions changed I had this amazing person who I needed to make the world better for. So I got involved.. I realized that my core values allign better with the democratic party than with the Republican. I don't think that because you are a republican, you're wrong or bad. I just happen to NOT agree with you on MANY MANY subjects. I know that politics is FRUSTRATING and full of problems but it's what we have, & if you get out and try, even if it doesn't come out the way you wanted it to, then you atleast know you tried but if you don't then you have NO reason to BITCH... you did nothing! I realized too, that while I beleive in God, I won't JUDGE you if you don't and I won't try to convince you, that you have to believe in the same thing as me. I'll respect everyone.. cause when we were in that hospital room with Emily day in and day out.. we were all just parents supporting each other... there was NO RACE, NO Religion, we were just parents & people struggling, i could of cared less what church you went or religion you were, it just didn't matter, and was another lesson I took from that time!! Those things just DID not matter! So I don't believe you have to go to church, I don't, but I have more faith than some that do. It doesn't make you better because you do, and its wonderful that you go. I wouldn't have an abortion but I won't judge you if you do, or had to. I don't know your story. Just as most people don't know mine. There will be a judgement day I believe but it won't be from me. So believe what you want! It's your journey. But know that if you have HATE in your heart, & I find it, we won't be friends. I'm NOT perfect and I'm not trying to say I am...but I know that I am better than the old version of me. & I know that I have love in my heart & I'm happier for it.. even if some of my rants make me seem like I'm not! I'm passionate, and that's important. The are other thing I learned was about giving back, so we chose to start walking in the March of Dimes, and this is our 9th walk..each year I am driven to do it.. I think it's my Mom from heaven giving me a little push.. and even though it's hard work especially this year trying to get donations.. I do it, cause I need to. I really believe in this charity.. and I know that their research helped Emily SURVIVE!! So again it comes back to trying to learn the lessons I was meant to. I'm sure there were more lessons I was meant to learn from that time, but I think I've done good. So anyway... think about it, Have you???