Sunday, July 17, 2016

Love you Sis

Most every night I remember to say prayers.  I'm not a religious person but I believe in God.  Whomever or whatever that may be.  I don't believe every word or even most of the bible.  After all I believe it was just written by men.   But I believe things happen for reasons and prayers are sometimes answered without an explanation as to how.  That's my proof of the god I believe in.  Sometimes things happen that you can't explain.  Good & bad... I've seen them both.  But when I needed a power greater than me,  I believe my God helped me get through it.  But that's another story for another day.  So far, from reading this, I'm sure you are wondering why I called it, "Love you Sis".  Well I have a sister her name is Mary.  She is 4years older than me.  Sadly, we aren't very close.  But at night when I say my prayers she is always right there, included in them.   I wish that we were closer.  But we aren't.  I'm not going to lay blame as to why we aren't or who's fault it is, sometimes, it just is how it is.  Life. Circumstance.  It takes two to tango and neither of us has our dancing shoes on.   But she's my sister and I love her very much and she's with me in my thoughts, and my prayers EVERY SINGLE DAY!  She is loved. I just want her to know that.  I know that if my mom was still here she'd be upset with us for not being in each other's lives.  I'm sorry Mom.  We tried in the beginning.  I don't know how or exactly when it went astray.  But I love my sister.  I guess we were close when we were very young, but during our teenage years we went in a little different directions.  My sister moved out of the house when she was just 17 or 18.  We've had periods of being closer but not ever super close since.   A lot of it has to do w/ circumstances.   Often I think about it with guilt and other times I know it takes two people to make any relationship work.  My sister has two children, they are now grown, and I believe I was a good aunt to them.  Or at least I know I tried really hard to be a good aunt to them.  For a period when they were teenagers they would spend almost every weekend with me.  So I tried. Also I tried to be there for her when she really needed me too.  I think I was.  I hope I was.  I think if I knew we were trying now I would feel less guilt about our non relationship.  The thing is nothing really happened.  We didn't get into a fight.  There's been hurt on both sides for different reasons over the years I imagine. I can only speak for myself.  I see it only through my lens but I think mostly we just stopped trying.   I'm not proud of my part but sometimes it's easier.  and I know nothing great in life is easy.  but yet we keep doing the same old same old anyway because I think we're both tired and it's easy.   Life is complicated enough and sometimes you just do what you feel like you can.  It's kind of pathetic I know.  But I'm here to express my real and it's what's I think.  BUT.... What is most real?  Is that I love my sister.  Even though at times I'm sure we don't understand each other, or we are not able to maybe express our love or our hurt.  Love will always triumph in the end and that is the reason for me writing this.

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